I can't stop myself from thinking about where we were two years ago. We were in the hospital keeping Xander alive. I keep hoping I will forget how scared I was and that the memories will fade...but it's not happening. I look at the photos, the videos and the posts from back then and I feel as if it all just happened last month.
God I lived in fear. I always wondered why I didn't have a nervous breakdown. I was always such a wreck. Nervous about what would be Xander's new complication? What new doctor would come in and give out a new diagnosis? What kind of procedure would he have to endure? But the most important question was - would he live?
It was that uncertainty that killed me. There isn't a liver disease playbook that tells you what to expect. Liver disease isn't the same for everyone and it's complicated and confusing. It can create so many other health problems. Some are simple and can be taken care of and some are down right scary. I lived in fear of the down right scaries.
Ugh. I know I won't ever get over what happened but I wish I wouldn't get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. It makes me want to hurl. Seriously, I feel physically sick at times and I'll cry at the littlest thing. My body must have a serious memory of those feelings to make me have physical reactions. I wish it would forget.
1 comment:
I feel the same way! With Brooke's two year transplant anniversary approaching too, I do the same thing! I will never forget this time 2 years ago. I remember leaving you comments telling you the perfect liver would come at the perfect time and exactly one week from Brooke's transplant Xander received his! What an awesome month October 2008 was! We were blessed and look at our babies today!
Hugs,
Jennifer & Brooke Wallace
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